How I became LGBTQ+ Affirming
The day after the 2015 Supreme Court decision granting same-sex couples the right to marry, I wrote the following in my journal:
Yesterday the Supreme Court officially made gay marriage legal and everybody is freaking out — whether in jubilant celebration or disorienting defeat.
While I don’t believe homosexuality was God’s original design, yesterday I was disgusted NOT at the prospect of gay couples having legal right to marry, but at the way Christians were acting like it was the end of the world.
If Jesus were living as a man on earth today, I can’t help but think he would be engaging this issue a lot differently than the rest of us. I am convinced that he would exit the evangelical world, and take grace and warmth and love and hope and hugs and healing to the gay community on this momentous occasion.
No Longer Just an “Issue”
I was moved to write this response in the aftermath of the Supreme Court decision because of a recent development — I loved people who were gay.
It wasn’t just an “issue” to me anymore; but represented real people who I knew had suffered hate for years, and who still struggled to find their place in the world. I was moving toward them — wanting to be an ally — and trying to reconcile their stories with my theological position.
I was trying not to take a side, but hold the two sides in tension — stretching as wide as I could to bridge the gap.
For many Christians, this “middle ground” (supporting LGBTQ+ legislation for the state, but not supporting the “lifestyle” in the church) is where they stay; it’s their conviction. I understand the heart behind this, but this was not a permanent place for me. Let me explain why…
I’m sure there were many factors that influenced me becoming fully LGBTQ affirming, but two things stand out most:
1. The Closing of Exodus International
Exodus International was a non-profit organization that promoted conversion therapy and reorientation of people with “same-sex attraction.” They spoke at my conservative Christian college, and I’m sure many others. Their “success stories” were often cited in debates about whether a “practicing homosexual” could also be a Christian. In my circle, the *correct and only* position to take was NO (because, following Jesus meant putting sin — at least the willful, premeditated kind — to death. And “homosexual acts” were nonnegotiably sinful).
Then, in 2012, the president of the organization renounced conversion therapy, saying that 99.9% of people he met had not experienced a change in their orientation. His conclusion was that reparative therapy did not work after all, and was actually harmful. The following year, the organization shut down and apologized to their participants for the pain they caused.
At the time, I understood “God’s position” on homosexuality to be that he wanted to bring “healing” to this “perversion” that some people struggled with. I thought it was a spiritual issue, a sin problem, a choice. I didn’t believe it was inherent to who someone was.
But, at the news of this organization closing, having failed miserably…I realized I must have something wrong in my understanding.
People WERE seeking God wholeheartedly and NOT finding “freedom.” People were literally admitting themselves into these programs like addicts, to seek God’s healing, and then coming out (still gay) with even more pain, shame, and psychological trauma…
It was like an open case study, following the theological stance I held all the way through to the end (to observe its practical application), and coming to discover that it was causing people more HARM than GOOD.
Read more about the “ex-gay movement” here, with stats and quotes from leader after leader who recanted and apologized.
2. Blue Babies Pink
I wish I could remember how I stumbled upon this “44-episode, southern coming out story,” but I have no recollection. I just know that B.T. Harman’s story sucked me in, and stuck with me long after I put it down.
It’s a blog series that he wrote about “coming out” in the conservative south, and as the son of a Southern Baptist preacher. The thing that GOT ME about it was how much I could relate; how this could have been my story.
Like me, he was very close to his family and church. Like me, he desired to please God, did everything he knew to do to be a “good Christian,” and thought he would become a pastor one day. Like me, he responded to altar calls, worked at summer camps, had mentors in his life, ascribed to the whole evangelical narrative.
He didn’t have bad parents, nor was he sexually abused. He didn’t ask to be gay; he didn’t even consider himself “gay” at first — only “same-sex attracted.” He believed God could and would take this attraction away and replace it with one for girls! He points out: “Most of the gay people I know were tormented by their feelings when they were younger. They would have done anything to change it.”
That’s what he wished for too, with all of his heart. What he wanted most was to have his own family — a wife and kids. But, after years of counseling, he came to terms with the fact that he never would. His attraction to other men was not fading, so (per his theological convictions) he was facing a lifetime of singleness.
He lived the celibate life until he was in his 30s — focused on pursuing God, friendship, and Christian community (all the things that *should have* been life-giving). And yet, he was lonely, anxiety ridden, depressed, and visiting the hospital way too often for someone his age. He was reaching a breaking point, didn’t know where else to turn, and decided to test the waters of dating men…for companionship, more than anything else.
Fast forward to now (spoiler alert): He is very adorably happy, married to a man he loves and cherishes. And, though he never thought God would be okay with this choice, he can’t deny how dramatically his life has changed for the better since those days alone. In the end, he compares his experience (of letting go of the shame associated with his orientation, and giving love a chance), to that of a blue baby turned pink when it breathes its first breath, and comes ALIVE to the world around him.
The “Working Out” of Theology
I have little interest in discussing Biblical positions here — many others have done that in great depth and detail! What I care to discuss is the “working out” of theology in real people’s lives.
After all, it was Jesus who gave us this litmus test: “You will know them by their fruit,” because fruit (of theology and of people’s lives) doesn’t lie! It reveals everything. If our theology is producing nutritious fruit, we can be assured that it is healthy and working. But, if it is producing poisonous or rotten fruit, it’s time for the “tree” to be “cut down and thrown on the fire” (Jesus’ words).
So, I want to know, is our theology producing Good Fruit: life, health, wholeness, and human flourishing? Or is it producing shame, pain, loneliness, depression, hopelessness, and suicide?
When I look at the evangelical church’s treatment of the LGBTQ+ community, all I see is poisonous fruit! — extending even to those who have never been to church! And I’m ready to cut. the. tree. down.
If I’m going to err on a “side,” I’d rather err on the side of grace and inclusion — the side breathing life, making blue babies pink. I can’t imagine having regrets on this side! I wrote more about “picking sides” here.
*An important note, in case you didn’t know: Jesus spoke nothing of homosexuality. The subject does not show up in the Church Creeds. Belief on this “issue” is NOT an essential component to Christian orthodoxy, but a “gray area.” Being LGBTQ+ affirming may go against the doctrine of your particular denomination, but it does not make you a heretic or remove you from the capital “C” Church!*
I’m (still) convinced that Jesus would exit the evangelical world without hesitation, and take grace and warmth and love and hope and hugs and healing to the gay community. The only difference in my view now is that I think his love would be offered without any strings attached…
Maybe you’re not in that same place; I’m not saying that you have to be. But I am probing. I am suggesting that you look a little deeper into your own heart. I am suggesting that you re-think your theology when it produces bad fruit. I am suggesting you make space for people who see things differently (knowing they follow the same resurrected Jesus). And, most of all, that whatever your beliefs may be on the controversial “issues,” you seek to grow in compassion for the real live humans those “issues” represent.
I’ll end with these beautiful words from Sarah Bessey, “…remember to sit down at the feet of those who have suffered, those for whom this isn’t theory or theology, those for whom this isn’t an exercise in thought or opinion but their real lived life, the ones who, as Broderick Greer says, ‘engage in theology as a matter of survival' and I say, ‘I’m here to learn from you. Lead me. I will listen to you. I will respect your story. I will submit myself to the margins.’”
Read more of Sarah Bessey’s Story of Becoming Affirming here! Her writing is so so beautiful! She digs deeper into the scriptural aspect and offers a lot of resources for further study as well.
I wrote more about a theology void of love here, and more about “picking sides” here — through the lens of Jesus’ life and words.
Check out bluebabiespink.com (blog or the podcast) to read or hear B.T.’s “coming out” story for yourself.
Read more about the “ex-gay movement” via Joe Forrest’s article “Life in Technicolor: Gay Christians and the Church.”
See Matthew 7:15–28 for more of Jesus’ thoughts on fruit.
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